The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

This article explores the insights shared by Charles Duhigg at TEDxManchester, focusing on his research into effective communication. Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author, introduces the concept of "supercommunicators" and how they master different types of conversations. He provides practical strategies, like asking "deep questions," to improve connections and understanding in both personal and professional settings.

The Power of Understanding Different Conversations

Charles Duhigg's research shows that every conversation actually involves several different types of exchanges. He points out that we often think of a discussion as just one thing, like talking about our day or what's for dinner. But in reality, there are usually three main types of conversations happening at once:

• Practical Conversations: These are about the facts and what the topic is really about. It's about the information being shared.

• Emotional Conversations: This is where we talk about how we feel. The goal here isn't always to solve a problem, but to share emotions and get empathy.

• Social Conversations: These conversations are about who we are, our identities, and how we relate to each other and society. It's about our values and beliefs.

Duhigg explains that if people are having different types of conversations at the same time, they often can't truly hear each other. This is called the matching principle: successful communication means recognizing what kind of conversation is happening and then matching it. For example, if one person is having an emotional conversation and the other is responding with practical advice, they won't connect.

The Art of Asking Deep Questions

So, how do we match these conversations? Duhigg suggests that asking deep questions is a powerful way to do this. A deep question encourages someone to talk about their values, beliefs, or experiences. It might feel a little scary at first, but it's simpler than it seems.

Instead of asking a factual question like, "Where do you work?" you could ask, "What do you like about your job?" Or instead of "Where did you go to high school?" try "What was high school like for you? What did you learn there? How did it change you?"

The idea is to ask people about their feelings and experiences, not just facts. When we do this, people tend to open up and share what's truly important to them. Studies show this approach is very effective because it creates a sense of vulnerability, and when one person is vulnerable, the other often becomes vulnerable in return. This shared vulnerability is key to connecting with others.

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize the three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social.

• Match the conversation type: If someone is having an emotional conversation, respond emotionally, not just practically.

• Ask deep questions: These questions encourage people to share their values, beliefs, and experiences, leading to deeper connections.

• Embrace vulnerability: Sharing real feelings helps others open up and build trust.

A Doctor's Experience with Deep Questions

Duhigg shares a story about Dr. Beahvar Ezady, a prostate cancer surgeon in New York City. Dr. Ezady often advises his patients not to have surgery because prostate cancer usually grows very slowly, and surgery has risks. He would explain all the medical reasons why active monitoring was a better choice. But surprisingly, many patients would go home, talk to their families, and then come back insisting on surgery.

Dr. Ezady was confused. He thought he was giving clear, logical advice. He realized the problem wasn't with the patients; it was with his approach. He consulted with experts who told him he was starting the conversation all wrong. He was assuming patients wanted only medical advice, but he wasn't asking questions to confirm that.

So, Dr. Ezady started asking deep questions. For example, he asked a 63-year-old patient, "What does this cancer diagnosis mean to you?" The patient didn't talk about the cancer itself, or death, or pain. Instead, he talked about his father's death when he was 17, how it affected his mother, and his fears about how younger colleagues at work might view him if they knew he had cancer. He also talked about his grandchildren and his worries about the future for them.

Dr. Ezady realized the patient wanted an emotional conversation. He wanted to talk about his feelings and fears, not just medical facts. Dr. Ezady responded by sharing his own understanding of loss and closeness. After about eight minutes of this emotional exchange, Dr. Ezady asked if he could share some medical options. Within seven minutes, the patient decided on active monitoring, just as Dr. Ezady had initially suggested.

This story shows that by asking a deep question, Dr. Ezady understood what the patient truly needed from the conversation. This approach helped the patient feel heard and understood, leading to a better outcome.

The "Crying Experiment"

Duhigg encourages everyone to try a simple experiment: find a stranger and ask them, "When was the last time you cried in front of someone?" After they answer, you share your own answer. This might sound uncomfortable, and most people are hesitant to do it.

However, studies by Nick Epley at the University of Chicago show that people who participate in this experiment consistently report it as one of the best conversations they've had in a long time. They feel a strong connection with the other person, a sense of care, and that they were truly listened to. They often say they were grateful to be paired with that specific person, even though the only special thing was the deep question itself.

This experiment works because it's a deep question that encourages sharing something real and vulnerable. When we ask deep questions, we learn which of the three conversation types is happening, what's truly being discussed, and how connected we are to each other.

In a world that often feels divided, we sometimes forget how to have these meaningful conversations. But there's a science to it. "Supercommunicators" aren't necessarily more charismatic or social; they've simply learned skills that allow them to connect with others. These are skills we can all learn. The good feeling we get after a great conversation, that sense of connection, is something our brains are wired to seek out. So, go out and try to connect with others in a deeper way.